3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
