Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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