Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
