Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
