you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
