Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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