Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
