THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
