my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
