The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
