he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
