If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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