my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize