You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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