Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
