Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
