I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
