You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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