you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
