i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
im drinking this country out of the recession.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
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