I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
