Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
