every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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