I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
