I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
