Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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