Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
