i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
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