she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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