Your face is a jimmy john
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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