My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
zippers are such a cool invention
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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