this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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