Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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