saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
