i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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