It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Randomize
