I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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