and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
