I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
