it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
