Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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