Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
