ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Oh god it's open bar.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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