The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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