If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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