the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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