got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
