I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
