i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
