the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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