no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
