How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
