I will die if light touches me.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
