Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
