found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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