$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Randomize
