Ambien. No doubt about it.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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