I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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